Recently I decided to try online dating again. My last relationship was three years ago. We met online. J identified as male mostly in private but had never transitioned. I was deeply in love with J. She asked me to marry her and I said yes.
One of the biggest difficulties in the relationship was trying to deal with what I came to call her “dickness”. In the beginning it was all wine and roses. It was about 6 months before I knew the extent of her dickness. All the wooing that had been there in the beginning was almost gone by then. A year later we moved in together. After that she was almost never home. She would leave before dawn and be home around 10 at night. She wasn’t required to work those hours. She did it because she wanted to. And it’s not like she was out there working hard to support us. We split everything down the middle. She no longer bought me a present on my birthday. She stopped making love with me. When she was home she was almost always harsh in her tone. Sensitive as I am, I was always getting my feelings hurt or trying to prevent her from getting mad.
J and I don’t speak anymore, but I saw her online recently and saw that she has started taking Testosterone and calling herself transmasculine. When I saw it I felt really happy for her. I know how difficult it was throughout her life feeling as if she had been robbed of her true identity. I also felt happy for her because I still love her, even if we are no longer together.
I’m going to bring up pronouns now because of something that triggered this post that I’ll tell you about in a bit. I still call J “she” because I have always known her as “she”. Because I don’t talk to her now I don’t know what pronoun she is using. I think it could be offensive to assume that someone is changing their pronoun. This will make more sense later.
R is my other ex, from ions ago. We had a child together. I have always known that R was trans. When I say that I mean that she told me in great detail how much she felt like a boy ever since she could remember. I think not transitioning made R very bitter. She is bitter as a dill pickle to this day. I am not friends with R, but unfortunately we share a child together so I experience her dickness on a regular basis.
On two occasions R has sued me attempting to take my son from me and show me unfit. She’s never paid me a lick of child support but told my son that she was supporting us. Who’s that sound like? A hetero dude, perchance? Her cases were dismissed because they were unfounded. R has been coaching my son to dismiss me since he was very young. He lives with her now because she lets him do as he pleases and buys him cigarettes. After experiencing everything I have with R I can confirm that she is 100% a man, and 100% a dick.
Not all transmen are dicks. I’m not saying that. These are just my experiences. It’s possible that I’m only attracted to dicks. If you let me loose in a room full of gender fluid, butch, androgynous women I will immediately find the dick. It’s like I have a dick homing device.
Here is a great example. I mentioned the online dating I’ve been doing. (which involves turning on the computer, logging in, and looking at the same damn faces, day in and day out). I thought long and hard about what I was looking for. I felt certain I wanted something different from what I’ve had before. I promised myself I wouldn’t be too superficial and go for something deeper. My last girlfriend was the hottest butch I’ve ever had. So I’ve done that. Time for more substance.
I live in a small college town. There are a smattering of gay people here. And on the site I’ve been using there are maybe 10 people who are LGBT in my area. So I expanded my search and got a few more. Still very slim pickings. This one person catches my eye in a nearby city. He identifies as transmasculine. I can see in one of his pics that he has had top surgery. So I’m stepping out on a limb by calling him a “He”. So I like him and he likes me and we start to have a little superficial dialogue back and forth. There is something in his eyes that I am drawn to and perhaps he will become a friend, even. He is D. D is for dick.
In my last message to him I mentioned my exes and their trans statuses. I also mentioned my teenage son who lives with my Ex. A few days went by and I thought maybe he had lost interest. I’ve learned not to take these things personally. Then today I received a message from him. Here it is in its entirety.
Initially I felt hurt. I wanted to type back “WOW”, or a variety of other things. I didn’t because I don’t live like that. Then I started to get mad. I will let this go very soon, but it has been occupying my thoughts today. For instance, what did I say that led him to draw these conclusions? I can only assume it was the use of pronouns. I fucked up the pronouns. Or I misidentified someone’s identity.
Either way, why not educate instead of hate? I’ve been an out lesbian for too long to reveal, and a lesbian mom. I’ve had people say all sorts of ignorant stuff to me about my life and my choices. But when people do that, I educate them in a friendly and compassionate way. I wish D could have taken that approach. He could have told me what I’d gotten wrong, or asked for clarification. He could have avoided calling me names. It’s certainly his prerogative to not want to be near a teenager, who by their very nature are dramatic. But to turn that into my life being drama filled is a stretch.
My life isn’t filled with drama. It’s filled with living. I have some hardships to contend with, no doubt. Living well in the midst of the most difficult circumstances is something I strive for daily. That’s not drama, that’s adaptation.
So screw you D. I don’t like beards anyway. I’m glad I got to see your dickness before things got any further.